Fear.

That blank page. It's been a while since I've stared at the curser flashing, thinking of ways to start a post. To be frank, I've yet again neglected my impulse to sprawl words on a page - in the vain hope that it makes some sort of coherent sense. Yet, after months of absence here I am again attempting to reason with myself why I've turned my back on the one thing that gave me unmeasurable joy and a small sense of purpose. 

Fear. That's what it is. Plain and simple.

2017 is a pivotal year for me. In the coming 6/7 months I'll be proving what my life time of education has accounted for, in the hope that I'll scrape together some decent grades to move onto the next hurdles in life. A-leves, Exams, Revision, Uni, Pressure, Fear. Now I know that in the grand scheme of things, exams and grades equate to the smallest, minuscule drop in the ocean. Part of me feels guilty for feeling such enormous strains of pressure to succeed when there's world humanitarian crises and small children without food - but it doesn't stop that tiny drop of water being a tidal wave of fear in my own fish bowl of life (granted that's a weird metaphor, but I'm rolling with it.) 

My own self pressure is making me live a life of fear. Fear of failure. Fear of being rejected. Fear of disappointing others. Most of all, Fear of not fulling the potential I know I have to succeed. 

The big ol' fancy dictionary defines fear to be "an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain, or harm." Well, it's certainly unpleasant enough, but is my own self deprecation really putting me in harms way? Simply put, no. Will I drop dead if I don't get an A? Nope. So what's the big fuss? 

Instead of seizing motivation and striving for a goal, I've found myself stuck in a cycle of dread as I'm simply treading water instead of striving for the best which I KNOW I can achieve. This mental block of fear has stopped me pursuing the activities I love, stopped me seeing the talents I have and stopped me articulating my worries and acting on them. But I refuse to let this fear win. 

Understandably, this post is a bit of an outburst. A release of pent-up frustrations and a two-fingers up to the fear that got me here in the first place; but it won't put me down any further. I stand by my belief that perseverance really can be the making of a person, but I don't want to just persevere, I want to thrive and fuck anything that'll get in the way of that. 

In many ways I hope no one will read this, instead this some what naff and small revolution against fear should get lost in the obis of the internet. However, this jumbled rant will always be here to remind me that fear should not win and I am capable. 

Laura